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Joke of the Day

"""I'm hungry. Except for anything you made. There's no way I'm eating that."" - Kids"

"Girl wins a watch ""Mom, the old man down the street told me that if I sucked his dick he'd give me THIS WATCH!"""

"The Discovery Channel is filming a new series about my ex-wife. It is called Deadliest Snatch"

"*sniffs date's hair* [later on in ambulance] ""no, it's my fault for not mentioning I'm allergic to japanese cherry blossoms"""

"Did you fall from Haven? Me: ""Girl, did you fall from heaven?"" Her: ""Don't even think about it?"" Me: ""...because Satan did"""

"The best part of Hey Jude is when The Beatles realise the lyrics are terrible and think 5 minutes of na-na-na will distract us, and it does."

"Putting a selfie on the top of your Christmas tree... ...because you're such a f**king star!"

"My friend with OCD keeps hitting F5... he says he finds it refreshing. I told him he needs help, now he keeps hitting F1. (edit- thanks to r/supremesnicker for the better punchline.)"

"My grandpa was one of the Holocaust survivors... But then again, most guards survived."

"A joke about babies and cocaine What's the difference between a baby and a big bag of cocaine? Eric Clapton would NEVER let a big bag of cocaine fall out a window!"