150115

Joke of the Day

"Do you before read your tweets even sending them?"

"What does a Mexican cut a pizza with? Little ceasars!!! (Scissors)"

"You can't hear me! She: ""You are so deaf. You never hear me."" He: ""I heard you. I was just looking at my new watch."" She: ""Oh yeah? What kind is it?"" He: Six o'clock!"""

"The barber asks Bernie Sanders ""what are you looking to get done today?"" ""Oh, just fuck up the top 1%."" ""Say no more..."""

"Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office I will find you. You have my word."

"Someone talked to me today about having two X chromosomes. Typical woman."

"SON: I need lunch money. DAD: Get a job. SON: I'm in 5th grade- DAD: All I'm hearin' is excuses."

"Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because he's a fucking creep"

"When I'm furious at another driver I roll down my window, thrust my head out & whisper ""wow you drive really inconsiderate"" into the wind"

"What do you want on your tombstone? pepperoni and cheese...."