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Joke of the Day

"I peeled off the sticker that said ""Don't consume alcohol while on medication."" I don't need that kind of negativity in my life."

"I wanted to make a joke about transgenders... ...but I don't have the balls to do it. Not anymore anyway."

"As a literalist, I can't watch porno... There's too many holes in the plot. I thought of this while reading a reddit comment section, so thank you reddit :)"

"The reason you can't go back after going black is because none of them have a car to take you back or a job to buy gas."

"Who did they cast as the Hulk""s dog? Bark Roofalo"

"I found the worlds worst thesaurus. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible."

"[to astronaut brother] Ooooh la la Gary's going to SPACE *does jerkoff motion* I'll be here on EARTH where my pizza & tv won't FLOAT AWAY"

"Me: Can I have a quickie? Waitress: Sir, it's pronounced ""quiche""."

"I parked in the ""C"" section of the parking lot. So, naturally, I had to climb out of the sunroof."

"Do you want to get dinner sometime? Sorry, I said that wrong. Do you want to get me dinner sometime? Like deliver food to me and then leave?"