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Joke of the Day

"'They'll be searching for days!' I giggle as I leave 'sorry bout the damage notes' on random cars at the Costco"

"University.... Close to being unemployed but with your parents still being proud of you"

"I save an average of $5 per tank of gas by filling up at Costco. I'll have enough saved to buy a house in about 1,200 years."

"Hypochondria? I think I have that!"

"There was 30 cows in a field and 20 8(ate) how many didn't? 10"

"What is the difference between a football player and a new pimp? The football player *kicks* *punts.*"

"Q: Why did the invisible man look in the mirror? A: To make sure he still wasn't there."

"*I reach for the thermostat* *my dad runs in barking* *neighbor's dad starts barking* *within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*"

"Ive just been molested by a group of mime artists... They did unspeakable things to me."

"I am so sorry to hear about your grandma... I know what you're going through my phone dies all the time."