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Joke of the Day

"'They'll be searching for days!' I giggle as I leave 'sorry bout the damage notes' on random cars at the Costco"

"Roses are red Congress is red The Senate is red The White House is red welp Edit: insert communist pun here Edit x2: what the fuck did i just get gold for this"

"Why should we all worship Jesus? Because he makes a bloody good wine."

"It's not my farting that bothers my wife, it's me yelling ""Release the Kraken!!"" right before I do it."

"He told me I was too pretty not to smile. So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose. Now I'm smiling."

"You go for a run then post your route to Facebook. I dig a hole on that route then cover it with sticks and leaves. We both get exercise."

"How much coke DID Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill two and a half men."

"2 Scientists walk into a bar... The first one tells the bartender, ""I'd like some H2O"" Upon hearing that, the second scientist says, ""I'd like some water too. Jimmy, we're not in the lab anymore..."""

"Armadillos are quite expensive. They usually cost an arm and a leg."

"A man asks his wife ""Why don't you ever tell me when you have an orgasm?"" The wife says ""I don't like calling you when you're at work!"""