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Joke of the Day

"The government. Unfortunately, wherever you're from, they are a joke."

"Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month? Me: The package said ""Take on an empty stomach"" so, not yet."

"Instead of yet another love song, someone should write a song about wanting to be left alone for fifteen minutes."

"When I get Christmas cards with pictures of my friends' kids on them, I just draw dicks all over their faces and send them back."

"I hate when my iPod earbud cord gets hung on an object and it violently rips the earbud out and I get that murder-y feeling."

"Why do Muslims not eat pork? Because MaHamHid"

"I hate that random song you hear in the morning and gets stuck in your head all day long."

"Hey man, 1980 called. It wants its--oh, can you hold on? I've got 1945 on the other line, and he's conferencing in 1973 so I should get this"

"Why does a space rock taste better than an earth rock? It's a little meteor"

"*walks into bank* THIS IS A ROBBERY *people drop to the floor* JUST KIDDING, BUT NOW THAT YOU'RE LISTENING *lowers guns* A TOMATO IS A FRUIT"