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Joke of the Day

"9: Whatcha watching? Me: Tiny Houses. 9: Wow it's tiny! Who's gonna live there? Me: Two people. 9: Are they married? Me: Not for long."

"*waits until you fall asleep* *tests out his new retractable air horn*"

"I was gonna wear my camouflage pants this morning... But I couldn't find them"

"What's Isis' favorite race? The 100-meter daesh. Q: What's Isis' favorite punctuation mark? A: The em-daesh. Q: How much cinnamon does the Isis recipe for gingersnaps call for? A: Just a daesh."

"What is Forest Gump's Email password? 1Forest1"

"So, I went out and had a few drinks.. I decided to take a bus home. So this morning I awoke and I don't know what to do with the bus parked in my driveway."

"[driving 2 school] *looks back,sees toothbrushes in child carseats WAIT! IF YOU'RE HERE THEN... [cut to kids at home, covered in toothpaste]"

"What will Putin have for thanksgiving dinner? Turkey"

"I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit."

"Why doesn't Hitler go ski? Cause he's blown his fucking head."