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Joke of the Day

"Q: What insect lives on nothing? A: Moths, because they eat holes."

"[During surgery] DR DOG: Suction please. NURSE: But there's no bleeding. DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!"

"Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word Me: Hired Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??"

"[at restaurant]] 8yo: why does mom eat half of your food? Me: because.. Wife *evil glare* Me *terrified* because I don't want it."

"Whats the hardest part eating a vegetable? The wheelchair"

"Sorry, just got your text. Are we still on for last night?"

"Why do Jews get circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not at least 10% off."

"What does Tony Stark call his semen? Pepper spray"

"Anyone else notice how Barney the Dinosaur is basically a T-rex & parents had no qualms about leaving their children with an apex predator?"

"Learning to ride a bike is like losing your virginity... No matter how many years go by, you never forget the feeling of your dads hands on your shoulders as he pushes."