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Joke of the Day

"WIFE: Can you send these party invites out? ME: Sure *throws them out window* WIFE: Did you- ME: If they're meant to come, they'll come."

"How do the Russian people feel about their government? They're Putin up with it."

"How come know-it-alls don't know how annoying they are?"

"4: How do you spell no? Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound? 4: Batman? (Spelling is hard)"

"Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree? Only in case of fire? Fine. But pretty sure my cat won't like being set on fire."

"hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER"

"I never would've noticed that you removed me as a friend, until you tried to add me back."

"I like my women like I like my cars Fast, loud, and used. Off craigslist."

"Why did the premature ejaculator cross the ro... never mind."

"Why is modern wheat supperior to old wheat? it's bred and better!"