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Joke of the Day

"A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I'm like I'm not looking for anything serious right now."

"[Snail Court] Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor? Snail Judge: I'm sorry; we don't have that kind of time."

"A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine. My response: Oh, about 20 minutes."

"When in Canada, what is Bruce Lee's favorite vegetable? Carrot-eh"

"What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead, I'll just hang around here."

"As soon as the inauguration is over, I'm getting a position on Trump's ethics committee. I'm not political, I just need some quite time alone."

"What's the difference between an 8-ball and a baby? Eric Clapton would never let an 8-ball fall out the window!"

"What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a pimple? A pimple doesn't come on a boys face until he's 13"

"I just got married today It's unreal. I can still remember the the exact moment when every woman in the world became instantly more attractive."

"Will was killed during his first battle with the US army His comrades got confused when their commander yelled: ""Fire at Will!"""