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Joke of the Day

"A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine. My response: Oh, about 20 minutes."

"What if Obama keeps the nuclear codes in a folder on his desktop called ""Missile-aneous""? That'd be cute."

"I don't ""take"" weed because weed ""took"" my best friend & trapeze partner Corton from me when we were 17. #ImissYouBrother #SwingWithJesus"

"It's okay to laugh during sex, just don't point."

"I just went to the Air & Space museum. Boy do I feel ripped off. It was just an empty room."

"Polishing my shoes I was walking downtown when I saw a black man carrying a tv set, and it looked just like mine. So I ran back home and to my relief mine was still there polishing my shoes."

"I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley Thanks to months of therapy, I'm finally battling my Damons."

"Why don't the blind bungee jump? Because it scares the fuck out of the dogs."

"Apparently certain types of ink can cause cancer I'm starting to get a bit worried, I've been smoking cigarettes wrapped in that stuff for a while now."

"Ordered ribs so I'd have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll"