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Joke of the Day

"I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food."

"As a kid I could never understand why my mother would not let me play near the train tracks across the street from my house. Then it hit me."

"Why did the Russians use peanuts for torture in the Cold War? Because in Soviet Russia, Nut Cracks You!"

"My math teacher called me average the other day. I thought it was mean."

"""Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she's not herself."" *grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*"

"I wonder if Ninja-Siri wields Cortanas."

"What do you call a promiscuous hippy? Whore-ganic"

"Why is poop tapered? So your butt hole doesn't slam shut!"

"Me: Objection! The plaintiff is a bologna sandwich! Judge: What? M: I plead insanity. J: You're a juror. Me: Can I go? J: No. M: OBJECTION!"

"A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them."