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Joke of the Day

"""Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she's not herself."" *grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*"

"This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she's never broken a lawnmower before."

"I went to specsavers the other day.. ...guess who I bumped into? Everyone!"

"An old lady next to me on the airplane was scared by me being a muslim I laughed so hard my grenades almost fell out of my pocket."

"What do you call a cow masturbating in an open field? Beef-Stroke-Anoff"

"Like father, like son Son: Dad, why do people suffer so much in life? Dad: ... for the final five push-ups."

"This year I've decided I'm going to exercise religiously... That means I'm going to work out on Easter and Christmas and I'm done."

"My friend was getting an HIV test and he was worried, so I just gave him some advice. Stay Positive."

"(x-post from /r/dadjokes) Did you hear about the new ultra-expensive cologne that's for sale? It's called ElonMuskTM"

"I gave up on my growing list of optometry jokes They just kept getting cornea"