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Joke of the Day

"SCIENTIST: The universe is a big mess of molecules bumping into each other. ME: I like when pizza molecules bump into my mouth molecules."

"How do you know Little Miss Muffet was a bodybuilder? She was always eating her curds and whey."

"A man was applying for a job in the navy So, the interviewer said. ""Can you swim."" The man looked puzzled and asked. ""Why, did you run out of ships?"""

"If clinical depression was a sound, it would be two people trying to talk at the same time during a conference call."

"[stuck on an island] message in bottle: if anyone gets this, please save us bottle returns: if this gets 10k RTs on Twitter we'll send help"

"-I love you! -Me too! -You too what? -What you said -What did I say? -That -Say it -What? -I want u to say it -Well -and? -what? -Say it -it"

"This is a fake tweet, someone asked me to put their # in my phone so I'm pretending to add it to my contacts"

"Why was the Tibetan monk celibate? Because he didn't give a fuck."

"Why is fishing dangerous? Sometimes, there's a catch"

"i put grape soda in my mini super soaker and i'm squirting it into my mouth. this is how you turn a monday, into a funday."