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Joke of the Day

"Why is Viagra like Disneyworld? - You have to wait an hour for a three minute ride"

"No tables? Maybe THIS will change your mind [slides maitre d' piece of paper that says ""It's my birthday""]"

"The embarrassment when you wake up to find your panties hanging from a chandelier and think, how did I end up in a place with a chandelier?"

"I saw a guy wearing a stovepipe hat the other day... ...so I said, ""Hey! Abraham Lincoln called and he wants..."" Then I realized, they didn't have phones in the mid 1800s."

"I'm the man putting sexy... .... back into dyslexic."

"[quickly jumps into the back of a cab] ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*"

"So I'm out in the woods taking a shit when... ...a bear strolls up, cocks his head with a funny expression, and says, ""I never knew you guys did that."""

"Every meal I didn't have to cook myself is the best meal I've ever had."

"What do you always get on your birthday? Another year older!birt"

"Bet you I can guess how much she weighs. She's about one... FAT BITCH!"