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Joke of the Day

"I told my girlfriend I would see her next year before I left for work She laughed because she got the joke. I wasn't joking. I'm leaving her"

"I was sitting on the toilet, constipated... The undropped turd asked me, ""Man, what did you eat?!"" ""A pound of cheese,"" I said. The turd said, ""You're shittin' me."" I said, ""I shit you not."""

"Someone asked me to write a sad story in 3 words today I just replied ""Trump or Hilary"""

"What to hear a joke? Women's Sports."

"Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side."

"What did a police officer write in the criminal report, when they found a homey from the bottom of a lake, wrapped in 200 kg's of metal chains? -Offender stole more than he could carry by swimming"

"ME: I'm just gonna take a quick nap. KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented. *living room is on fire*"

"You're a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians."

"I've seen suns that weren't as bright as my cell phone is at 6AM."

"How do you make 5 pounds of ugly fat really attractive? Put a nipple on it!"