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Joke of the Day

"My wife thinks it's seductive to bite her lip. I haven't the heart to tell her it's supposed to be the bottom one."

"Friend: It looks like you're packing to go on an extended vacation. Where to, the Caribbean or Hawaii? Me: No, this is just my lunch."

"What did the terrorist say about his popular reddit post? *I didn't expect this to blow up like it did!*"

"Where do the Greek X-men sleep when camping? Mu-tents"

"Why do old people read the bible so much? I asked my grandad the other day ""why do old people read the bible so much?"" He replied ""cause we're cramming for finals"""

"Black or white... We all have white in our blood."

"My boss gave me a nice pat on the back the other day.. It made things a bit awkward on the shitter though."

"she had the eyes of an angel, the squawk of a bird, the wingspan of an albatross, the beak of an albatross i think this girl is an albatross"

"(alternate) My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house To kill the hallucinations I said She laughed. I laughed The toaster laughed I shot the dog"

"Me: oil change plz Toyota: it'll be $39 Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon 4 hrs later T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here"