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Joke of the Day

"Why is a duck when it's round? Because the farther it flies, the fewer."

"Did you fall from Haven? Me: ""Girl, did you fall from heaven?"" Her: ""Don't even think about it?"" Me: ""...because Satan did"""

"Punny Chemistry ""What's Jerry Sandusky's favorite compound?"" ""What?"" ""A mole ester"""

"When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn't because his heart is broken. It's because he can't cook."

"My mother once told me to get rid of the assholes in my life She then complains that I never contact her."

"Two brothers wrote an exam. One got in, the other didn't. The one who didn't get in got in the second time. His TWIN chance was what got him in."

"One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place."

"If you're literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my obsession with pointing out doors to people, well, there's the door."

"my hipster wife is on her way to the hospital with severe burns in her mouth because she tried to to eat my lasagna before it was cool"

"Anytime I see a motorcyclist weaving in and out of traffic and performing tricks I always root for the pavement"