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Joke of the Day

"If you're literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my obsession with pointing out doors to people, well, there's the door."

"The hardest part about having an ugly child is lying to them when they ask you if you love them."

"I saved my cannibal neighbor's daughter from drowning today. Her father was so grateful he gave me a hand shake. It had some chunks, but it was delicious."

"Dr Dolittle A little bird tells me that i may be suffering from Dr Dolittle syndrome."

"What movie did Leonardo DiCaprio's dog recently star in? The Woof of Wall Street."

"Which language does a drunk Scotsman speak? [x-post /r/puns] Scotch."

"Does almond milk come from crazy cows? Cause they gotta be nuts, right?"

"Just saw a bum with bags wrapped around his feet. Must have them new j's, trying to keep them fresh."

"If you touch your computer in all the right places... You can turn it on"

"It probably seems like I'm listening to your story, but I'm really thinking, ""close your fucking menu or the waiter will never come over."""