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Joke of the Day

"[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine] Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass. Ma'am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down."

"What do you call a guy who likes to lose? Ewan"

"You know who really likes debates? De fish"

"How do you make a baby cry twice? You rub your bloody dick on their teddy bear."

"What's the most capable element? Tin, because tin can."

"My wife accused me of being addicted to drinking brake fluid. I said I can stop any time I want."

"[at my house after 1st date] me: so, do you wanna have some sex? her: well, I don't normally do this...but I think I'll pass"

"a gymnast walks into a bar. she is immediately given a 0.0 and disqualified from Olympic trials. you're supposed to jump OVER the bar, idiot"

"Don't get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You'd turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street."

"I thought of a great joke about turkey coups. I would tell you, but it would probably fly right over your head."