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Joke of the Day

"So a termite walks into a bar and asks ""Is the bar tender here?"""

"Joe: If you love it so much why don't you marry it? Jim: Hmm [Two weeks later] Jim: Meet my new wife! *holds up Joe's wife's potato salad*"

"Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone's food pics and posting the calories."

"Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn't think he knew the word ""no."""

"[day after trying sushi for the first time] ME: *putting frozen chicken nuggets on table* WIFE: this isn't cooke- ME: it's sushi, susan"

"Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear? Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops. Wife: I counted 19. Me: Well I rounded down."

"If you read the entire dictionary technically you've read every book but out of order."

"Why did the Polish get selected to be in so many jokes back in the day?"

"Found $0.83 under my pillow. It appears that I still have all of my teeth so now I'm a little worried about what I was paid for."

"What's a difference between a oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste"