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Joke of the Day

"I just ended a 5 year relationship! I am fine though because it wasn't my relationship."

"My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby's head. Sorry babe, I'M NOT A DETECTIVE."

"Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine? Jesus: ON Girl: What? Jesus: Long walks ON the sea"

"What is the worst animal std? Gatoraids"

"Listening to NPR during fundraising campaigns has prepared me to ignore my kids when they ask for money."

"Just to confuse the cops, let's steal the sign pole and leave the street sign."

"How many gnomes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just the two, really. Or as many as will fit, if theyre feeling frisky."

"I got fired today, because my boss caught me masturbating with a vegetable Apparently nursing homes have strict rules about what you can do with patients."

"I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait... What's that animal that plays dead?"

"How did the blind carpenter regain his eyesight? He picked up his hammer and saw."