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Joke of the Day

"I sneezed while pissing and almost pissed everywhere I think I have PEE-T-S-D now :( That was scary"

"[sexy time] Me: Let me be your fantasy. Him: It's a Star Wars thing. Me: Say no more. *leaves* *comes back dressed as Yoda*"

"*rubs lamp* *genie comes out* You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes. ""I wish for more genies."" I SAID NO WI- oooh, you're good."

"What equine likes to cut in line? A sawhorse!"

"I like to paint pictures of WW2 bombers onto the sides of beautiful women."

"Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I'm tweeting"

"What do Wolverine and Bruce Jenner have in common? They are both X-Men"

"Feminism thats the joke"

"My phone froze while looking at porn at work. The 4k quality is just too much of a load."

"*checking out of Hotel California* You can check-out any time you like ""Okay yes, now"" But you can never leave! ""Ugh where's your manager"""