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Joke of the Day

"[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER] Me: Help! My wife's having contradictions! Dr: Don't you mean contractions? Wife: Never say never"

"What is a berry's favorite farewell? ""Acai you later!"""

"Dr: do you have kids? me: yes I have 3 kids Dr: do you drink? me: yes I have 3 kids"

"finds it funny when people who aren't friends in real life are friends on Facebook"

"Just bought a book ""Jokes about Captain Obvious"". It's full of Captain Obvious jokes."

"What do you call a dog woth no legs? It doesn't matter what you call him he's not coming"

"scientist: he's going to be identical to you in every way me: every way? [my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit"

"What present can you give to the woman who has everything? Antibiotics."

"I cannot take my new pet cat seriously She's always kitten around"

"I really need to find a boyfriend. Guy at poker table was like ""This is my girlfriend, Kayla,"" and I was like, ""This is my sandwich, Ham."""