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Joke of the Day

"Jesus: *turns water into wine* Me: nice Me: *turns a steak into a cheesesteak* Jesus: *whispering under his breath* holy shit"

"Sometimes, I think I'm the only member of my family not doped up on prescription drugs all the time. Then I usually take my amnesiac meds."

"What happens when a tree masturbates? It nuts"

"I buy bags of Halloween candy and boxes of razor blazes just to see the look on the cashier's face."

"What did the circus owner say to the human-cannonball when the he wanted to retire? How will I ever find another performer of your caliber? (Source: a dad on thanksgiving)"

"A very lame Hitler Wordplay joke. What Does Hitler hate most about Breakfast? The *Juice*."

"Mrs.Potato seemed genuinely upset that her husband was missing, but the smell of French fries in her kitchen made the detectives suspicious."

"What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Unitarian? Someone who knocks on your door at 6 a.m. for no reason."

"Sigmund Freud was a moron with a huge ego And id. And superego."

"How do you make a mailman cry? You kill his family"