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Joke of the Day

"Little kid next to me on a plane just ate the preservative packet out of his jerky, looked at me and said, ""Don't tell my mom."""

"Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER 6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we're all out"

"I worry that if Nike sponsored a Suicide Prevention Day event... ...the words ""Just Do It"" would be everywhere."

"When I get heavier, I am actually easier to pick up. What am I? A woman"

"The age old question... The age old question, if I paint my car black will it stop working or will it run faster?"

"Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure."

"I was fired from my job as a mortician after I was caught having sex on the job I guess it was the final nail in the coffin."

"What is the difference between a polar bear and the World Series? One has cubs"

"What do you call a fresh creme pie? Creme fraiche"

"Try saying ""I heaven this order"" three times. Nothing wrong if you do :)"