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Joke of the Day

"*notices battery is at 4%* *goes into airplane mode* *turns down brightness* *exits all apps* *prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*"

"I'm on a seafood diet... I see food, and I eat it."

"Ghost joke How could a ghost have two moms One of them has to be a transparent"

"When you get laid off. :("

"My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don't know, that seems pretty far fetched."

"If you see me with a water bottle, there's probably vodka in it"

"Pro tip: Next time you're at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper ""Hey, wanna get outta here?"" If she says yes, you can sit where she was."

"Wow you changed your makeup in 16 different hot ways. And where did you learn those 8 moves that drove me wild *sees Cosmo on the table* ah"

"Your mom doesn't understand Your dad doesn't understand Your friends don't understand But french fries, french fries understand you"

"Yesterday I bought an expensive but poorly made tie... I think my ascot ripped off!"