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Joke of the Day

"How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He's breathing."

"I need to lay off the caffeine. My neighbor keeps complaining that I'm tackling her much more than usual"

"My friend used the term ""bad ass"" for diarrhea. ""You're badass."" ""I'm... diarrhea?"" ""No I meant you are the shit, man."" ""WHAT???"""

"As I get older, I only find that two body parts start hurting all the time. My back..... And my front."

"[museum tour in the future] Racism and sexism ended in the 21st century, when brave Americans argued it out of existence online"

"How many Social Justice Warriors does it take to change a lightbulb? None, just the one black guy they get to do it so they can tell him how oppressed he is."

"So a horse walks into a bar... And the bartender says, ""why the long face?"" To which the horse replies, ""I'm a raging alcoholic and it's destroying my family."""

"ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror] [ever so slightly later] ME: [dying from massive blood loss]"

"A pirate with Alzheimer's sold his parrot The next day he woke up and shouted ""Where's my ship!?"""

"Have you seen the new Broadway production about the dictionary? It's a great play on words."