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Joke of the Day

"[job interview] HR: Says here you're very good at multi-tasking *me taking a selfie & spinning in chair HR: *whispering ""wow he's good"""

"An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything."

"What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre Didn't go over too well in r/pics."

"There are two pronunciations for uranus. Ur-anus and Ura-nus I prefer ur-mom"

"What would you do of you found Chicago, Ill.? Call Baltimore, M.D."

"I get bi with a little help from my girl friends."

"How many deadbeat dads does it take to change a lightbulb? I wouldn't know, mine's never around. (Alternately: ""Well, he went out to get one..."")"

"Announced sternly to students today that ""only hard things are worth doing!"" In other news, I have a bunch of parent emails to respond to."

"If I buy a cardigan, and then I buy another cardigan Am I buying a cardiganagain?"

"My SO thinks it's sexy to bite her lip... I haven't got the heart to tell her it should be the bottom one...."