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Joke of the Day

"Honey, I'm afraid we can't get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay. *looks at Xbox* Thank you sir. You've changed my life."

"Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring. *turns around* *grabs one of his crayons* *slowly breaks it* *whispers ""you're next""*"

"I'm gonna start a woman's monthly magazine called ""Period"", and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers"

"Why do girls always walk in odd packs? Because they literally can't even."

"I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see."

"Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!! Me: Not with that attitude."

"If only life could be like the movies!* *i.e., every time someone gets a nosebleed it means they'll be dead soon"

"How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring"

"Every morning when my alarm goes off I think ""This is the worst thing that has EVER happened."""

"How did the guy from Kentucky find his sister in the woods? Pretty good!"