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Joke of the Day

"I've finally figured out why I can't lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, ""4 extra volume & body"

"[Watching boxing] Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!"

"''Ah fuck it"" -Me. Making decisions."

"So you wanna learn to speak with an Irish accent do you? Whale oil beef hooked."

"HILLARY: i'm sick and tired of these baseless accusations THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she's also tired!"

"My parents always warned me about having sex before marriage... But somehow I'm in their wedding picture."

"*Wakes up in Superman's body* Me: Holy crap! I'm finally a hero! *Uses heat vision to re-heat last night's pizza & puts on Netflix*"

"What does a condom have in common with a coffin? Ones for coming and ones for going."

"The American Psychiatric Association defines narcissism as the first ten minutes of every podcast."

"When I ask someone what their name is, why do I never actually listen to their answer?"