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Joke of the Day

"The wife came home last night and asked ""Is there anything on tv?"" I said ""yeah,dust!"" And then the fight started."

"I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal."

"This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days."

"What did Helen Keller's mom say would happen if she didn't stop fingering herself? She'd start talking dirty."

"What do a woman and a condom have in common? They spend more time in your wallet than they do on your dick."

"Hi I'm here for my vasectomy. ""Would you like that toasted?"" What? ""Haha whoops sorry, just came from my other job. Ok let's do this."""

"Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet. You: Me: You: It's a lot more than 10x. Me: Don't ruin this."

"2 reasons not to drink toilet water: Number 1 and number 2."

"Women that say size doesn't matter are just? Shallow"

"I've run out of Christmas wrapping paper so I'm going to use 'Happy Birthday' paper and write 'Jesus' after it."