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Joke of the Day

"I propose that we abolish marriage and engage in 3 year contracts instead, with the option for renewal."

"You know you're a bad driver when Siri tells you ""after 400 feet stop and let me out"""

"Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard..... Pillow fight"

"They sure don't make time machines like they're going to!"

"[Jack Black's birthday] Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma. ""How is Rock School going dear?"" It's School of ro- *sigh* nevermind."

"What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis"

"a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion"

"I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can't figure out why she's crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car"

"Irony Is getting pregnant on a pull out couch"

"Where does Sean Connery keep his guns? In the library of course. They're for shelf-defense."