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Joke of the Day

"WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could've used the word 'bloodthirsty' a little less"

"""Haha, you thought I was a quarter."" -nickels"

"My Dad told me ""always fight fire with fire""... And that's why he's no longer a fireman."

"Why do new Irish mothers keep dying? Because they lack taters"

"Q: Did you hear about the bulimic bachelor party? A: The cake came out of the girl."

"What do you call two identical boobs? Identitties."

"Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time."

"Case against Congress A guy walks into his agent's office and says, ""Got a great movie idea. Guy hates Congress wants to bring them down."" Agent looks up and says, ""We'll never get the backing!"""

"[tweets about one side of an issue to my followers who all agree with me already] hell yes I'm making a difference"

"Where's a lesbian's favorite place to shop? The Liquor store"