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Joke of the Day
"I told my 3 year old that Skittles are Care Bear meat and now I have the bag to myself."
Next Joke
"[first date] I'm sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous ""That's okay"" Yeah.... *jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*"
"Why didn't the bride and groom exchange their wedding vows? TL;DR"
"How do you call sons of australians and germans? Men at Work"
"Honey, look what I found on our son's computer *opens folder of walkthroughs, wife starts sobbing* I'm calling the police"
"I just got done watching the Lego Movie with my daughter. The premise is so amazing... It makes me wonder why the Mega Blocks movie fell apart."
"What's Jared Fogle's favorite weather? El nino."
"I secretly like days when none of my facebook friends have birthdays."
"Did you know that there is an elephant at Bush Gardens? That's what I call my crotch."
"Everytime I text my new boss, his only response is FU! I should have expected it. They all told me he was a man of few words."