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Joke of the Day

"turns out skrillexs music has healing properties: during a concert, a paralysed boy stood up and left"

"I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust."

"Being asked if you've read 50 Shades of Grey is like being asked if you've had steak at Applebees. You do know there's actual steakhouses?"

"Why cant programmers tell the difference between christmas and thanksgiving? Because oct 31 = dec 25"

"Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief for your birthday. Betty: That was a kind thought. But why didn't you? Fred: I couldn't find one big enough for your nose."

"The Monkey Do you know why the monkey fell out of the tree because he was fucking dead."

"[pet therapy] THERAPIST: ok slow ME: *pets 2 dogs* T: just 1 M: *pets 3 dogs* T: Nurse, restrain him, he's M: *pets 4 dogs* T: roverdosing"

"Q: What do you get when you play a new age song backwards? A: A new age song."

"Chuck Norris' feet accounted for more damage in 2005 than both the war in Iraq and Hurricane Katrina."

"My girlfriend has a seashell tattooed on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean."