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Joke of the Day

"[firing squad] Any last requests? ""Here's my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?"" Yes. *listens* Oh man that's FIRE *gunshots*"

"What do you call a witch who kills her mother and father? An orphan."

"A man using apple maps walks into a bar.. ..or maybe it was a church or a grocery store or something"

"I'm trying this new thing where I don't beat off it's hard"

"Show me a dude eating pork ribs and macaroni after midnight and I'll show you a dude about to hit send on this tweet."

"In the book I'm currently reading, there's a section that talks about the vagina. It's my favourite passage."

"[Installing ceiling fan] Me: drill...screwdriver... tape...there finished! Wife on the phone: Is this Bob's fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done."

"Shout out to all the girls that got pregnant last night and don't know it yet"

"Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other stuff wrong with my car I'd turn the radio down."

"The longest relationship I've had is with my first vibrator. We were together 7 years. Off and on."