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Joke of the Day

"When someone tell me , ""long time no see"" i usually reply, ""I know, we're really not that good of friends"""

"9: ""Mom, that's a pretty necklace. Can I have it?"" Me: ""No, I got it as a gift."" 9: ""Well, can I have it when you die, then?"""

"ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say ""don't try this at home""? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face."

"Before saying anything like ""you have really soft hands for a man"", just be like so goddamned sure they're a man."

"Two wrongs don't make a right But two wrights make an airplane"

"If you ever doubt the value of writers, just follow your favorite actor on Twitter."

"The first rule of parenting is: never negotiate with terrorists."

"I was recently asked about my views on euthanasia. I said they all look the same to me."

"Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either."

"What do you get when you inject human DNA into a sheep? Banned from the petting zoo."