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Joke of the Day

"Before saying anything like ""you have really soft hands for a man"", just be like so goddamned sure they're a man."

"[plays dead to stop a bear from chasing me but then it plays dead next to me and we end stargazing together, forming a spiritual connection]"

"To all the Ananda's out there.. What's better than eating a mandarin? Eating Amanda out."

"Never Fall in love with a Heroin addict because even though they have a lot of love to give. It's all in Vein"

"You say, ""I think we should see other people"" like I haven't been doing so ever since we started dating."

"5yo: I want a snack. M: You can have a yogurt smoothie. 5: I NEED CHOICES! M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing."

"I walked into a gas station and asked, ""Can I have a Kit-Kat chunky?"" The lady behind the counter came back with a Kit-Kat Chunky. I said, ""No, I wanted a normal Kit-Kat you fat bitch."""

"Whoever said technology will replace paper... has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad."

"What did Sweet Potato Yahweh say? I yam that I yam."

"How do you unpoopify water? Boil the shit out of it."