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Joke of the Day

"I never thought a fleshlight would feel like the real thing, but last night I got drunk and totally tried it. And I have to say, it was a pretty good fucksimilie."

"Why does Donald Trump close his eyes during sex? So he can imagine he's masturbating."

"{newer version} I like my coffee like I like my slaves Dark, strong & black and locked inside somewhere so it cant leave. They must be cheap to purchase and it cant talk back to me."

"What kind of tie does a pig wear ? Pig's tie !"

"Guys socialize by making fun of each other, but they don't mean it. Girls socialize by giving compliments to each other but they don't meant it either."

"Oh, you're an American? Yeah, right. Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions."

"""This is OnStar. How can we assist?"" ""What are you wearing?"" ""Do I need to get a supervisor?"" ""Like a threesome? Is that part of my plan?"""

"Do you have 11 protons? Because you are sodium fine :p"

"How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? Nein."

"[maid of honor speech] Never thought this day would come! Remember when you came home early & he was wearing your bra & panties [mom faints]"