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Joke of the Day

"I woke up and found Sarah Jessica Parkers head in my bed. I guess I pissed off the mafia."

"[job interview] ""Tell me one of your long term goals"" Sleeping ""No, I meant-"" *leans in way too close* My answer isn't going to change"

"You're more useless than a..."

"Who didn't let the gorilla into the ballet? Just the people who were in charge of that decision."

"There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Marie Antionette Barbie ...with removable head; guillotine included"

"Did you hear about the guy who was arrested for indecent jurisprudence? He got off on a technicality."

"Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick."

"How do you look for Will Smith? Look for Fresh Prints"

"captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir"

"What did the right eye said to the left? Between me and you, ""something smells""."