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Joke of the Day

"A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn't buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic."

"Why do the Heisenberg operators for position and momentum work from home? Because they won't commute."

"What does Harry Potter do when he gets Ginny Pregnant? Cast Fetus Deletus."

"*falls down* Mom: What was that? Me: My shirt fell Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt Me: I was in it"

"So I was in my house masturbating... and my sister comes up to me all indignant like. She asks me what the hell is wrong with me. I reply that she should knock before coming into her room."

"My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver."

"Props to every deodorant commercial ever for abandoning all creativity and just going with ""If you buy this, women will have sex with you"""

"What do you call a 20 year old spaceship that whines all the time and never wants to run properly? The Millenial Falcon."

"Why did the lizards get a divorce? A reptile dysfunction"

"Whenever my ex-girlfriend regrets her abortion... ...she just calls and talks to me for an hour."