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Joke of the Day

"Interviewer: Describe yourself in one word. Me: Hired. Interviewer: (under breath) holy shit can he do that?"

"Me: You won't believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza. Him: M: *looks down* *sees pepperoni all over*"

"Massacre between rival musicians at the Symphony Orchestra today, . Authorities have condemned this act of Violins"

"You're doing really well now please pull into this liquor store do you want anything? -Me as a Drivers Ed teacher"

"GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this"

"Whenever I see someone pick up an avocado, feel it, and put it back I pick up that same avocado and whisper ""you're still beautiful"" to it."

"Have you heard about the blind hooker? You've gotta hand it to her"

"I used to be addicted to soap, but i'm clean now."

"A hamburger walks into a bar... The bartender says, ""Sorry, we don't serve food here."""

"Want to know the secret for making 1 million dollars? Start investing with 10 million dollars"