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Joke of the Day

"Nothing annoys me more than when I'm talking to someone about music and for some reason they think their opinion is as valid as mine."

"Why are the best accountants twins from Prague? Because they always double Czech their work!"

"What do you call a rifle that has been fired recently? A shotgun"

"DM:You're so hot, wanna Skype? Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka? DM: ME:hello...you there"

"Having a girlfriend is like having a car... ... I don't have a car :'(."

"Today we're celebrating the five-year anniversary of me and the woman who works down the hall avoiding eye contact with each other."

"I saw a picture of myself on a milk carton once but my new family was rich so I kept my mouth shut."

"FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I'd read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that's a bad idea guys"

"I can't believe AntMan and Spider-Man are in civil war. That really bugs me."

"What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who gets shit and pissed on all the time? John"