166633

Joke of the Day

"FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I'd read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that's a bad idea guys"

"I woke this morning to find Mr.Mittens on the bed staring at me with a look that said 'You're a mouth breather, and I'll never respect you'"

"Why do ghosts carry tissues? Because they have BOOOOgers."

"Don't describe two completely different things as ""apples and oranges"" they're both fruit Say something like ""elephants and crystal meth"""

"The first person to ride a horse was probably pretty fucking drunk."

"Bro Transformers are real! Haven't you seen a big truck or a camaro? They are real. They just hide real good like chewbacca. And batman."

"Why does Bernie Sanders write in lowercase letters? Because he hates capitalism."

"the idiotic girl Lets like O_O"

"How many metal drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? one, but it takes 32 lightbulbs."

"Be advised Ladies: Once I show you my Knight Rider lunchbox from 1985, foreplay has officially begun."