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Joke of the Day

"""I'm so wet!"" she screamed at me. ""I'm so fucking wet!"" she screamed at the top of her lungs. ""Give it to me, now!"" She could yell all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella."

"Saw two jeeps crash into each other today. There were Dave Matthews Band CD's everywhere."

"What do you get a first dad for father's day? Condoms. Courtesy of my witty ole' uncle mike"

"Viagra, it won't make you James Bond... But it will make you Roger Moore."

"ted cruz looks like he puts ketchup all over his fries instead dipping them"

"Telemarketer: Are you a homeowner? Me: How big are your lips? Telemarketer: .... Me: Your lips. Are they huge? *click*"

"What would Jimi Hendrix be doing today if he was still alive? Trying to get out of his grave."

"Whats the difference....? What's the difference between a lamborghini and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a lamborghini in my garage."

"Sitting in traffic wishing I had a Sasquatch to lean out of the passenger window and make police car noises."

"I just tried to kill a spider with hairspray He's still alive, but his hair looks amazing."