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Joke of the Day

"By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before. I hope it was worth it."

"As I suspected, someone's been removing soil from my garden. The plot thins."

"What do you call a helicopter with a bad paint job? A patchy gunship"

"Dear McDonald's, Thank you for not selling hot dogs. I don't think I could order a McWiener with a straight face."

"Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one."

"Mom: (weeping) Son...your Grandpa...he...he... He, overdosed on viagra... (sobs) Dad: i'm sure this i HARD for you... (Not my joke heard this and died laughing, had to share)"

"Is it just me or are there other personal pronouns?"

"Did you hear about the pirate captain selling cheap corn? It was a buccaneer."

"Excited to pick up ""Anxiety Birds"" tomorrow. It's like ""Angry Birds,"" but Jewish."

"What's the difference between Donald Trump and a Twinkie? Twinkies can cause a national upset."