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Joke of the Day

"hey don't shoot me, i'm just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-"

"Them: We're concerned about you. We think you're a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee] Me: No thanks. I'm trying not to eat between males"

"What's the heaviest soup? One ton soup."

"You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?"

"Doctor doctor I keep thinking I'm a python. Oh you can't get round me like that you know."

"What did the German baker say to greet his customers? Gluten tag!"

"Late to bed and late to rise . . . Makes a man who will serve french fries."

"*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i'm thinking Arby'sTM"

"I like the word ""panties"" so much I'm going to start using it in place of ""cool."" Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that's panties."

"5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister- Me: Stop tattling. I don't want to hear about it unless there's blood. 5: Me: 5: How much blood?"