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Joke of the Day

"Marriage is a lot like being a meteorologist. No matter what you say, you're still wrong."

"I would make a joke here... ...but Amy Schumer doesn't need any more material."

"*spills wine on Ouija board* OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T ME: *moves pointer to NO*"

"My wife says if this post gets thousand upvotes, we can do anal. I'm tired of the other posts. It's me in her."

"Son: ""Mom, Dad.. I'm gay"" Mom: *staring at dad Dad: ...*clenches fists Mom: ...don't! Dad: *sweats profusely Mom: Dad: HI GAY, IM DAD Kudos to @Lerky on Twitter"

"George Carlin:""Why do laxatives always say 'Works gently, overnight'?"" ""What if I want something that works violently right now?"""

"Studies have shown that smokers are 97% more likely than non-smokers... to walk out on their families."

"Why dont blind people go skydiving? It scares the hell out of the dog."

"I loaned my friend $15K for plastic surgery... And now I don't know what he looks like."

"I heard the founder of Apple was actually kidnapped by the government of Mexico Damn Mexicans always stealing our Jobs"