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Joke of the Day

"Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry."

"[MURDER TRIAL] JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt? MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That's correct."

"90% of parenting is waiting for the other parent to do something about it."

"Two electrons are having a conversation... Electron 1: Do you know why they call it the XBOX 360? Electron 2: Why? Electron 1: Because when you see it, you spin 360 degrees and walk away!"

"Me: Hello Teacher: Hello M: How's my kid doing in school? T: How's my kid doing in school? I hate parrot teacher conferences"

"Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub."

"YO mama is so poor... She can't even pay attention"

"How an Illuminati living in the arctic is called? An Igloominati"

"Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad? ""I don't know, how would I know?"" GF: I'm pregnant! ""Hi Pregnant, I'm... OH MY GOD I'M READY"""

"What is the difference between jelly and jam? (NSFW) I can't jelly my cock down your mothers throat..."