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Joke of the Day

"""WITH OUR POWERS COMBINED!"" ""EARTH"" ""WIND"" ""WATER"" ""FIRE"" ""HEART"" ""SELF-LOATHING"" get outta here Eli ""SORRY"""

"Some people say I dream too much, I say it's just because my life is better than their dreams are."

"[first date] Her: I love your scent, what is it? Me: desperation."

"Great Gatsby (2013), Wolf of Wallstreet (2013), Django Unchained (2012): Leonardo DiCaprio is rich and screams at people"

"A police dog had to sniff my bag but it was a puppy so I wasn't even worried cause it's probably not good at its job yet."

"If a velociraptor is running.. and he speeds up, does he become an acceleraptor?"

"Cosby/Fogle for President! Americans can forget the last 8 years happened and feel like kids again."

"An American, a French, a German, a Mexican and a Canadian get in a plane The steward says ""What, is it a joke or something?"""

"A Latino shot an unarmed black man today, and everyone is in an uproar Especially the police, saying ""They took our jobs!"""

"Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn't want someone to hack in and...pay my insurance bill"